


Sorry, Not Sorry

by tetskuroo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Apologies, Apologizing for everything, Fluff, M/M, Support, supportive boyfriend, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 21:39:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17149556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tetskuroo/pseuds/tetskuroo
Summary: Kuroo Tetsurou apologizes too much.





	Sorry, Not Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Idk I apologize a lot and I've been trying to work on it so I did what I always do and portrayed myself onto Haikyuu! characters

Kuroo Tetsurou wants to stop saying sorry.

It was a New Year’s Resolution of sorts, even though he didn’t really want to call it that. In the past, he (like most other people in the world) had worked hard the first few weeks of the year to achieve his resolution, and then given up when he grew too lazy to continue. Every year was the same mundane, simple resolution - work harder at volleyball or eat better or get more sleep. He’d never actually accomplished any of those things, and he figured it was because he didn’t care enough about those routines to properly work them into his life.

This however, was something he cared about immensely, so he didn’t want to call this a New Year’s Resolution - he wanted to accomplish it, and he wanted it to be a permanent change, not one he just has for half a month and then abandons.

Tetsurou wants to stop saying sorry. Ever since he was younger sorry was a sort of hide away for him. His father was an unkind man, and while he had never laid a hand on Tetsurou or Tetsurou’s mother, he had no problem making them feel like he wouldn’t be in the wrong if he had. Sorry became his response for everything because it was what he was taught to say - he was raised by his father to believe that everything was his fault, somehow. Bad news in the paper, coffee not tasting right, a colleague at work being incompetent - it all fell back on Tetsurou.

Every conversation between Tetsurou and his father was yell, yell, yell and I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Even when it wasn’t Tetsurou’s fault he was so, so sorry, is there anything I can do to make up for it? And, even though he’d been so polite, so hopeful, his father never replied kindly.

And, since he was taught to live this way, since his father had made him believe he was always at fault, always in a position to be apologizing, Tetsurou did in every circumstance. When he got a problem wrong at school he apologized, and when he spoke to Kenma when he was entranced in a game. If he ever tripped in public around people he apologized, and if he ever got close to running into anybody he apologized over and over again.

Even after his mother filed for a divorce, and his dad left never to see Tetsurou or his mother again, he still apologized for everything. It was a seed, ingrained in his brain, haunting him all the time, the words waiting on his tongue because he was going to mess up, he always messed up, and he had to be ready.

Tetsurou wants to stop saying sorry - not because he is mean, or insensitive, or a terrible human being. No, he wants to stop saying sorry because he shouldn’t have to be sorry about not knowing something, or tripping, or somebody’s coffee not tasting how they want it to taste. He should feel something, some sort of sympathy for their misfortune, but he shouldn’t feel like every negative emotion someone experiences is his fault, and it’s about damn time that he learned to appreciate himself as the people around him did.

*****

When he’d first told Kei, his boyfriend had been shocked.

They were lying in bed together, in Kei’s bedroom in the apartment he shared with Tadashi, and it was rather late. While Kei was studying Tetsurou was lying beside him, turning over in his brain what his mom had said earlier on the phone. It had been bothering him all day, but when Kei asked him what was up he’d told him it was nothing, that they could talk about it some other time, and then the topic had been dropped.

Kei was a good boyfriend; he understood when it was smart to let Tetsurou think, and when he needed to distract the black haired man so he didn’t think himself into an early grave. This was one of the times Tetsurou just needed to think; he needed to think and process and think some more. Kei knew that when he was ready he’d talk, and until then it was pointless to try touching on the subject.

“I apologize too much.”

He said it just as it was; a fact. He’d admitted it before, because he knew he did, but he didn’t talk about it much with Kei since they’d first started dating and had a fight over it.

“Tetsu,” Kei said slowly, carefully, his eyes on his boyfriend now instead of his large textbook. This was a touchy subject for them - for Tetsurou especially, because apologizing was what he did, it was kind of like his thing, because it had been ingrained into his brain since he could remember. Apologize, apologize, apologize.

“No, I apologize way too much,” he replied, eyes still on the ceiling, attitude as carefree as it had been earlier when they were discussing where to eat lunch. “It’s a fact, Kei. The sky is blue, you like strawberry shortcake, Kenma is addicted to video games, and I apologize way too much. Like, an unhealthy amount.”

Kei shut his book and moved so that he was lying down now too, on his side so that he could be looking at his boyfriend. He didn’t say anything at first, because he didn’t want to offend Tetsurou like he had before, once upon a time when they’d first started out and Kei was too ignorant in the Tetsurou field to say anything right in reply to the constant stream of apologies.

After a few minutes of silence though, Kei realized Tetsurou was waiting for some feedback, so he spoke. “Is there something you want to do about it?”

“I want to stop.”

Kei knew it was easier said than done; retraining your brain to think of different responses than it has been for twenty years would be hard, and confusing, and emotional, but he was proud of Tetsurou for wanting to try.

So, Kei said, “Okay."

And Tetsurou, since he knew Kei like the back of his hand after two years of them being together, knew that that was a good okay. A supportive okay. An okay that meant he’d be with Tetsurou every step of the way. So, Tetsurou smiled wide and turned to flop half of his body on top of Kei’s, resulting in groans and protests. “You’re the best, Kei.”

“Ugh, shut up you sap.”

  
*****

_“I’m sorry I’m late Tsukki, there was a delay at the station so the bus left late an-”_

_“It’s fine, let’s just go eat.”_

_Tetsurou immediately quieted at Kei’s tone, because it was cold and biting and final, something he hadn’t heard or let affect him in a long time. So, Tetsurou let his head drop and mumbled out another I’m sorry before he was following Kei into the restaurant._

_The date after that was rather awkward. It wasn’t their first date, not by far. It was actually close to six months of them having been together, so Tetsurou was no stranger to Kei’s off moods, where he was cold and off putting, not fully on his own accord but because it was what kept him feeling safe. Tetsurou understood that - he kept himself safe with the barrage of apologies he let out every time anyone said something to him, just as Kei did with his barrage of negative comments whenever anyone got too close._

_Usually, he felt well enough to battle Kei’s sour moods with lots of teasing and overly romantic, sappy comments. But the day had already been taxing on him mentally, and then Kei had been rude for the first time that day that he’d seen Tetsurou, and it all was just adding up into a bad day all around._

_They hadn’t even reached the end of their food when Kei said the words that made Tetsurou stand up and leave._

_He had been going on and on about how everything had been shit that day, and how even the sandwich he was eating was shit, and Tetsurou couldn’t stop saying sorry, sorry, sorry, all for things that weren’t his fault._

_“And that,” he said, looking up to Tetsurou with annoyed eyes. “Why do you apologize so damn much, even when you’ve done nothing wrong?”_

_And yeah, Kei didn’t know why, Kei didn’t know that his tone of voice was making Tetsurou uncomfortable, was bring back all kinds of memories that he was trying to keep down, but that didn’t make it hurt any less._

_The older male cringed at that, his heartbeat racing and his cheeks flushing because gods he apologized too much and he did everything wrong, why couldn’t he do anything right?_

_So he stood up from the table and grabbed his coat, stuttering all along. “S-Sorry, Tsukki. I’m sorry, I-I’ve gotta go.” He didn’t forget to pull cash out for dinner, and he set it on the table before he was tripping out of the cafe, mumbling I’m sorry to everyone he walked pass in between his sentences about needing to see Kenma._

_Kei didn’t even finish his lunch. Instead he meandered out of the cafe and slowly made his way home, flopping down onto the couch in the living room once he got in his home. He spent hours trying to think about how the hell he was going to fix this, this nasty mess he’d managed to create, when he didn’t even know what was wrong with Tetsurou. Yeah Kei had been rude to his boyfriend, but he’d been like that before many times, and Tetsurou had never dealt with it in a less than graceful manner; he was good with Kei’s moods, the master of them, really. When he started feeling like there was no hope, the solution to said mess came waltzing into his living room in the form of one Kozume Kenma._

_Now, over the last seven months of Kei’s first year of university, he’d grown closer to Kenma than he’d ever imagined he would - Kenma and Tadashi were dating, though, and that meant Kei and Kenma were exposed to each other more than either of them thought they could manage at first. But the four of them fit well together, always double dating and giving each other advice because no matter how much Kei loved Tetsurou, he didn’t know him better than Kenma did, and the same went for Tadashi. Kei and Kenma held respect for each other as their boyfriend’s best friends, the only people who possibly knew the other two better than they did. It helped a lot that Tadashi and Tetsurou hit it off as well as they did, too - while Kei and Kenma sat in silence, reading and playing games, the other two embarrassed the hell out of their best friends, teasing smiles on their faces the entire time._

_This time though, Kenma didn’t seem to just want company while he played his games, and Kei figured as much - no, Kenma looked intent on talking. Kei raised his eyebrows, indicating to Kenma that he was listening, so Kenma did what he wasn’t all that good at; he talked. “In a fit of a panic attack, Kuro told me what happened during lunch.” Kei was a little nervous, because while Kenma wasn’t known for being harsh, he didn’t sound all that happy with Kei right now, and the taller male didn’t blame him - he’d hurt Tetsurou, and Kenma was now stuck trying to fix it. “Now, this isn’t my story to tell, really, but I know that you didn’t mean to hurt him as you had, and I also know that after dissociating enough, Kuro won’t care anymore and will ignore this entire situation until it pops up again.”_

_Kenma sighed, and then looked up to meet Kei’s eyes. “Kuro’s dad was extremely unfair to both Kuro and his mother in every circumstance, and he blamed everything on Kuro. So, Kuro was taught to say sorry for everything that was wrong in the world when he was growing up, and it’s just a habit that’s stuck with him. He knows he apologizes too much, he’s confronted it before with me and his mother, but he’s not at the point where he can do much about it. One day he’ll be ready to, and we’ll have to help, but until then could you just not bring up how much he apologizes, at least not in a negative sense?”_

_Kei nodded, a little blindly because despite Kenma saying it would be okay, that didn’t change the fact that Kei had fucked up. His mind was going in circles, replaying the parts where he had fucked up, he had treated Tetsurou as Tetsurou’s father used to treat him, he was cold and insensitive and brutal, and he had caused Tetsurou to panic when he’d never seen his boyfriend even close to acting like that._

_“How badly did I fuck up?” he mumbled, leaning his head against the back of the couch to look at the ceiling. Kenma did the same, and he seemed less tense now that Kei hadn’t asked any questions about Tetsurou, because Kenma didn’t want to give too much away, to make Tetsurou mad because this wasn’t Kenma’s story to tell, and he’d probably already said too much._

_“Pretty bad, but once he is a little more calm I’ll suggest he call you, since you’ll both be of a better mindset than, and then I’ll have him eat and sleep and then you’ll be just fine tomorrow.”_

_Just fine tomorrow - Kei couldn’t imagine that when he’d obviously messed up so bad._

*****

They were just fine tomorrow, and the next day, and then all the days after that. They still argued over silly things, and things that were less silly, but Kei was never insensitive about the one thing he knew could really fuck it up for them, could really chase Tetsurou away and have him never return. And Tetsurou telling him he wanted to work towards apologizing less was a step Kei knew was hard to take, so he didn’t press the issue again until Tetsurou brought it up again.

“Okay so, I think I’ve gotten a good idea of what I’m going to do.” Kei was surprised at the sudden voice in his house and turned around to see Tetsurou, fresh out of the sun with his messy hair and his dopey smile and his journal clutched tightly in his hands. “I’ve got a list of situations I always apologize in, so every situation ever, but I need your help with the next part.”

“And what’s the next part?”

“I’ve gotta decide which situations I should apologize in and which ones I shouldn’t apologize in. So, I need your help because when I look down this list, I just see a bunch of instances that require an apology.”

Kei wanted to sigh and just tell his boyfriend to not apologize unless he did something wrong but he knew that wouldn’t fix anything - Tetsurou always feels like he is in the wrong. So, Kei instead grabbed his cup of coffee and sat at the dining table, gesturing for Tetsurou to sit beside him. The older male did, scooting his chair so that his chair was touching Kei’s, and then his right hand was reaching for Kei’s left while his own left one opened the journal.

Kei had other things to do, like clean the house and read up on the new material for his bio class or study for the pop quiz his professor always tried to randomly spring upon them but everyone knew he always did pop quizzes on Tuesdays, but none of those really mattered right now when Tetsurou wanted to better himself, and he wanted Kei to be there and help him through this change.

So, he told Tetsurou when a situation was one he shouldn’t apologize in, and then he explained why Tetsurou didn’t need to apologize because his boyfriend didn’t always believe him on things. And it was stressful and Kei wanted to just shut Tetsurou up with a kiss and go cuddle with him on the couch, because seeing Tetsurou fiddle with his pen and bounce his leg was making his heart clench, but he continued on anyways because this was something Tetsurou needed.

Somewhere halfway through the list Kei got up, placed a kiss on Tetsurou’s head, and then proceeded to make them both caffeine free tea. When he sat back down he made sure to place the cups down gently, and after taking a sip of his own tea he placed his hand on Tetsurou’s knee. It was calming for the older male, and he visibly relaxed underneath the touch, which was something Kei smiled slightly at.

It was almost an hour later that they were completely done, the list with scenario after scenario crossed out, neat little notes in the margins to remind Tetsurou why he didn't have to apologize, or when there was an exception to an apology. They were both tired, and Kei’s back was hurting, but the smile on Tetsurou’s face was worth it in the end.

“Now for the hard part,” the black haired male said quietly, turning to smile at his boyfriend. “Be patient with me?” he asked, and Kei was nodding immediately.

“Always,” he promised, a small smile finding its way to his face. “I'm very proud of you, you know that right?” And while Kei had grown to be better with being honest about how he feels it still made Tetsurou feel good to be praised like that, and he couldn't stop the smile on his face from growing.

“I forget sometimes but you're getting very good at reminding me.” He leaned forward then and pulled Kei into a bear hug, causing the younger male to groan. “Thank you for being the best.”

*****

Tetsurou wasn't wrong when he called the last step the hard part - actually forcing his brain to not immediately spit out apology after apology was harder than he thought, and even with the constant support from his friends it was stressing him out a lot. He took it hard the first few weeks when he was still apologizing on the spot instead of all the new responses he has thought about and rehearsed.

It was hard, stressful work, but the first time Tetsu managed to catch himself on an apology and change it into something else he was so proud of himself he almost cried.

He had been going to meet up with Koutarou, Keiji, and Kei for dinner, but his class had run late and the professor had to talk to him about his most recent project so he left fifteen minutes late to meet them. And, while they were two of his best friends and his boyfriend and he knew they would understand he was still nervous because that's what being late did to him, that's what everything did to him.

So, he was running to their favorite restaurant in hopes of not being too late, and he was tripping and almost dropping his bag because he was a nervous wreck. He saw them all standing outside of the restaurant, Koutarou shouting about something to the other two while they both watched him fling his arms around and shout. When they noticed him they all turned to talk to him and he smiled.

“Hey, I’m so-” he stopped the apology from leaving his mouth once he saw the large smile on Koutarou’s face, the well hidden excitement on Keiji’s face, the calm, patient look on Kei’s. “Thank you guys for waiting for me,” he said proudly and the smile on Koutarou’s face made Tetsurou even more proud of himself. He hugged Koutarou and then moved to kiss Kei’s cheek, a greeting that Kei can say he hates but Tetsurou knows he loves because of the blush that covers his cheeks.

And they didn't make a big deal out of it because Tetsurou had asked them not to, but when Kei leaned over, kissed his cheek, and whispered, “good job,” Tetsurou couldn't help the swell of pride in his heart.

*****

It was easier after that. Not perfect, it would never be perfect, but Tetsurou was getting better at skipping over apologies and he was even less nervous about situations now that he didn't feel like everything was his fault. He was feeling better about himself because he wasn't treating himself like a burden to everyone anymore and his friends were experiencing a new wave of gratitude from Tetsurou instead of a the wave of a negativity his apologies always provided them with and it all was going well.

There were days where he forgets, where he wakes up and apologizes to Kei for everything he can't control like his morning breath and the brightness of the sun through the window and how long the coffee maker takes to do its damn job. And yeah, those days were tough, and Tetsurou felt like he lost those days, that everything he'd worked so hard for was gone, but then a good day came again and Tetsurou could be proud of himself because he was good at not apologizing.

Day by day he was growing more confident in himself and his relationships, and slowly but surely Tetsurou was making himself better for himself and all of the people in his life.


End file.
